Hotbrain wrote me a nice supportive note the other day about my mood problems (apparently my comment form is evil, which isn't surprising, since Blogger is run by Google).
I don't know whether my mood problems are caused by some sort of medication poop-out or not. They may be. I think it's more likely that my stress is situational. This is still a problem when you have a clinical mental illness. Situational stress drags down your mood, obviously, and unlike the mentally boring, we lack the resources to pull our mood up when the situation resolves itself.
I feel like my meds are working. I feel stable, I'm not normal one minute and then sobbing the next. But my life is depressing me. I'm not meeting my goals for this year. My cat isn't eating (but maybe she's getting better ... or maybe that's just what I want to see), which has led to a lot of unexpected expenses. I find myself ruminating on these things. It's hard for me to remember all that MCBT I learned ... and I'm not meditating like I should be.
I've stopped boozing. I'm back to drinking one drink a few nights a week. As when you throw away any sort of mental crutch, a painful realization followed: drinking had been one of the few things I enjoyed doing. Painting seems like too much work. Music? Need to tune the instrument first, and harpsichords have A LOT of strings.
In all honesty, the prep for these activities are not that bad, but when you have ADD and depression, they seem overwhelming. The thing I really want to do is work with stained glass. But I don't have the tools, and doing it in your house is a great way to spread shards of glass all over it. I'm thinking seriously of setting up outside on my deck and buying the damn tools.
Not having a part of your day that you really enjoy is ... well, it's depressing.
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