Yesterday sucked.
It began with a bad dream. If you don't want to read my whole long post about it, suffice it to say that the dream involved betrayal, abandonment, rejection, and a package tour. Horrible. It affected me more than my dreams usually do, probably because it was so obviously about my deepest fears vis a vis my current situation, and I began my day slightly depressed.
When I hit my usual trough of 4 pm, I felt much, much worse. Lately my troughs have been pretty mild. I'll feel a little down, or a little less energetic, or both; however, yesterday was the first day in a long time that I've landed in the depths of despair.
I don't know what could account for it. I'd been up late the night before, and therefore up early the next day, but I've done that before without suffering such consequences. I'd skipped my sunlamp the night before -- this seems like a pretty likely factor.
All I know is that I spent the day having angst about everything that's happened to me since a year ago. How my life has changed since two years ago. In 2009, I'd changed so may things about my life that I had never imagined I could. I finally felt like I had my ADD under some control, and my depression seemed gone for good. I had lost 50 lbs. I had organized my home, and was keeping it clean. I was even doing a decent job of managing my time. I felt ready, in a way I never had before, to take on my crappy employment situation.
A year ago, that all went to hell. I'm so high maintenance at this point I can't imagine finding someone who'll hire me: I need to sit in front of my sunlamp for certain periods of time -- no exceptions, ever. I need to listen to music to keep myself from floating off into the vacuum of space. I need to take a lot of breaks to stretch and move around. I'm emotionally fragile and there are some days I just can't cope. Who wouldn't want all that in an employee?
Oh yeah -- and there's a great big hole in my resume where 2010 should be. How do I explain that without admitting that I barely stayed out of the nuthouse? Do I call it a "rebuilding year", like baseball managers do when they're trying to explain away a losing season?
I feel like I'm doomed to this for the rest of my life. I will simply lose four to six months out of every year. Two years ago, a real, grown-up life was within sight, and I thought I might finally become a real, grown-up person. Today, I feel like the Universe smacked me down and is laughing at me. And it always will be.
Sorry to hear about your really bad day, but how does one really bad day mean you'll have 4 or 6 really bad months? On most days you've been doing well. Your title says it well. This was your first bad day. Not necessarily your first of many.
ReplyDeleteAs far as employment, maybe try listing all of the reasons why someone would hire you. I know you have some really good skills and brains :)
It seems like your best fit would be a work from home situation, then you really can sit in front of your sunlamp, listen to music, and take lots of breaks.
I hope you feel better soon.
Thanks, Hotbrain. The encouragement helps.
ReplyDeleteI went through 3 years of unemployment when I was at my most depressed, living on student loans and generally messing my life up. I spent most of my time with my therapist talking about how people can get up and go to work every day. It seemed like they had powers I did not. I was wrong, of course, because most people are idiots, and don't have powers that I lack.
ReplyDeleteYour'e obviously very intelligent, so there should be jobs out there for you. And don't forget about resilience... once you get thrown into something (or throw yourself into something) often your personal obstacles start to seem less important than they once did. Sunlamp and breakdowns aside, I think you're going to be fine in a job. Remember, that recent job fell through ON YOU, you didn't fall through on it!
Thanks, Mo. It's good to hear that another intelligent depressed person has found their way out of unemployment.
ReplyDeleteAnd I think I might just print out that last sentence and post it above my desk ...