Weekly Gratitude: My Coping Skills, and Three Things I Like About Myself

I've decided to turn this week's Gratitude Post into an exercise from my Mood Action Plan.  Last August, my MCBT class was assigned to make a list of three things we like about ourselves.  Things that we probably forget when we get depressed. 


This post feels awkward to write in some ways.  Depression is inextricably twined with negative self-image -- that's the whole point of this exercise -- but the way we're brought up makes it even harder.  Naming what we like about ourselves feels so much like bragging, like arrogance; and every six year old knows that nobody likes a bragger.

Women especially are socialized to play down their own abilities and give credit to others.  We're much better at telling other people they're awesome than appreciating our own awesomeness.  But, again, that's the whole point of doing this.  To remember that we're awesome, even when we don't feel awesome.  To hang on to three things we like about ourselves, no matter how hard our illness tries makes use forget them.

In my case, the problem is not really that I forget that I have traits that I like. I just get to feeling like they don't (and will never) do me a damn bit of good.  So I decided to change the terms of the assignment: I would look at how these traits do me plenty of good, because they're the ones that I use to cope with my mental illness.

I am grateful for my sense of humor, my creativity, and my curiosity. 

Appointment With My Pdoc: Some Thoughts On What The Hell Is Wrong With Me

I had an appointment with my pdoc  the other day.  I was hoping to get my diagnosis straightened out.  I feel like my current diagnosis of major depressive disorder doesn't quite fit.  I cycle seasonally, and when I'm unmedicated (or under-medicated), I cycle daily.  There's no diagnosis for these symptoms in the DSM, but I can say that I relate more to stories from folks with bipolar than I do to those about straight-up major depression.

My pdoc thinks the issue is hormonal.  He says that the human circadian rhythm involves changes in cortisol levels throughout the day.  Night owls, he says, have more variable cortisol levels, and we hit a low point in the late afternoon/early evening.  Maybe I'm just extremely sensitive to this shift?  He's sure that there's an issue with cortisol levels, so he's going to do a literature search and get back to me.