Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Lamictal 300 mgs, Abilify 5 mgs: I Feel Like Myself Again

Last year at this time, though I didn't realize it, I was working incredibly hard -- and all the time -- to manage my psychotic depression.  My mental energy went to reigning in bizarre thoughts, or to distracting myself by fixating on an art project, or by obsessively cleaning the house.  It was exhausting.  The antipsychotic medication helped a lot, but it didn't fix it.

This year, I've been on lamictal, and the difference is like night and day (which is good, since my delusions were about photons).  I was able to see just how hard I had to work last year to keep the crazy at bay, and how this year, I simply didn't have to put in that effort.  Yay lamictal!

Nonetheless, I was still pretty moody by early December.  Overall my mood was better.  I no longer had to listen to cheerful, energetic music to keep myself from becoming untethered.  Sometimes I could even listen to a sad song without totally losing it.

But at other times, I would lose it.  Or I would overreact to something my parter had said.  I would still hit my 4pm to 8pm slump.  In other words, my mood wasn't stable.  My pdoc and I decided that this was not a good sign when we were still three weeks from the Solstice.  He put me back on Abilify.

And once again, I noticed a huge difference, and once again, I hadn't realized just how much effort I'd been putting into managing my mood: watching nervously if I swung up for not apparent reason.  Gently observing to myself that I was ruminating on anxious or panicky thoughts.  Talking myself out of those depressive moods when I couldn't stop crying.

Thanks to lamictal and abilify, my brain is not requiring constant care and tending.  I can actually leave it to itself (which I think is always a good thing in a bodily organ).  I have the time and energy to do something besides be a crazy person.

I feel like myself for the first time in well over a year.  And that feels good.

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