This has brought me to my Laxative of Last Resort: Cheerios.
Since I was a teenager, Cheerios have gone right through me. This is one reason I hate them. The other reason is that they were the only cereal deemed to be "healthy enough" by my parents, so I ate them every effing morning until I was eight years old. My friends, of course, got to eat Fruit Loops or Frosted Flakes or Lucky Charms.
My parents told me that my suffering was due to the fact that they loved me enough to make sure that my teeth didn't rot and I developed healthy eating habits. Like most young children, I didn't believe them. They made me eat Cheerios because they were mean!
Then, O glorious day! Special K made the cut! It was so exciting compared to those effing Cheerios! I swore I would never eat Cheerios again. And for the most part, I stuck by this promise to myself. The exception was if I went to Girl Scout camp. Cheerios got put in our gorp for some reason. I noticed that not only did they made me run for the latrine, but they gave me mild heartburn. I started eating around them.
When I was in high school, the first few days of my period often came with gas, constipation, bloating, and horrible, horrible stomachaches. At this time I learned to use Cheerios to my advantage. There was always a box in my house, and all I had to do was eat a few handfuls. I found the taste to be disgusting, but it was the only laxative substance in the house. I managed to choke them down somehow. The relief was worth it.
It says something about how much I hate Cheerios that I've been putting up with the GI side effects of lamictal for a month. I wanted to try everything I could before I ate Cheerios again. I tried prunes (somewhat helpful), laxative tea (also somewhat helpful, but the box says not to use it for more than seven days), and water soluble fiber (seems not to do too much). I tried Gas-X, which was definitely helpful, though by definition it makes you fart a lot, so I don't take it if I need to go out in public.
So now it's come to Cheerios. How I loathe them. But I had some last night before bed, in order to ... move things along, so to speak. Turned the lights out at 12:50. Got up at 1:39 because I had bad enough heartburn that I couldn't sleep. Not having any heartburn meds in the house, I had to search the internets for remedies. Turns out that two teaspoons of baking soda, a splash of vinegar, and some powdered vinegar can really do the trick.
Here is my breakfast menu for this morning:
- Cheerios *shudder*
- Greek yogurt, mixed with unsweetened cocoa powder (a natural laxative) and water soluble fiber
- 4 prunes
- Herbal laxative tea
- A cocktail beverage consisting of baking soda, vinegar or lemon juice, and ginger (depending on how bad my heartburn gets)