In a recent post I wrote about feeling a sense of acceptance for my lot in life. My dead cat, my troubled relationship. That sense of acceptance has come and gone since then, but mostly gone.
I've been really moody this week. OK, one day it was because I forgot to take my meds, but still ... someone asked how I was doing and I started crying about my cat. They didn't even ask about my cat. Yet, I was in tears, and could barely speak. Yesterday I felt tearful as well.
I wasn't quite this bad after Piglet died. I suspect it was because I still had CC there to comfort me. I'm stuck in a crappy place where my partner and I aren't ready for another cat, but not having one is driving me crazy. I'm afraid I'll meet the perfect cat before we're ready, and also terrified that I'll never bond with another cat as long as I live.
I've been really moody this week. OK, one day it was because I forgot to take my meds, but still ... someone asked how I was doing and I started crying about my cat. They didn't even ask about my cat. Yet, I was in tears, and could barely speak. Yesterday I felt tearful as well.
I wasn't quite this bad after Piglet died. I suspect it was because I still had CC there to comfort me. I'm stuck in a crappy place where my partner and I aren't ready for another cat, but not having one is driving me crazy. I'm afraid I'll meet the perfect cat before we're ready, and also terrified that I'll never bond with another cat as long as I live.
They will send you a new friend when the time is right. I felt the same way after losing my very best friend in the world. He left us 17 months ago and he took most of me with him. I'm still a an empty shell fighting to find myself. I guess about 3 months after the day we said goodbye he got sick of watching me wail and cry every day, so he sent me some sunshine. A 3 week old kitten showed up on my friend's porch. I wasn't ready, but there was no way I was going to turn any animals down, just in case they were a gift. And there's no doubt in my mind that this baby was a gift, this little cat loves me so fiercely and he brings pieces of my heart back every day, little by little. I'll never love him like I loved Toby, I know that, but he makes me miss Toby a little less.
ReplyDeleteI still cry all the time, it's been 17 months and some days I cry like it was yesterday. I have 3 cats and a dog and I am still lonely and empty without Toby. There will be weeks where I cut the pain off and I don't cry, and then suddenly it all catches up to me.
I'm so sorry you are going through this pain and loss. It is excruciating. Don't feel like you are alone. Hugs!
Jill, I'm so sorry for your loss. People who've lost pets tell me that it still hits them years later.
ReplyDeleteOur first two cats were so special that it's hard to imagine anyone else bonding with us that way. Yet, last weekend we went to the SPCA and looked at cats. We didn't feel quite ready, but one of them just felt like she's ours. We decided to take her home and have her join our family.
I'm amazed at how much calmer and more sane I feel!