Since my psychotic episode I have struggled mightily against my illness. I felt like I had to; I couldn't afford to go back there, I couldn't afford for my mood to get any worse, I couldn't afford another mistake with my meds. I've struggled against everything that's gone wrong with my life over the last two years. The jobs I've lost. My relationship problems. The loss of my cats.
Then, the day before my cat CC died, I was overcome with a sense of calm. The universe is kicking my ass right now, for whatever reason. There's nothing I can do about my illness except what I'm already doing -- taking care of myself as best I can. The job stuff, my cats -- those situations are both out of my control. My relationship -- well, that needs work, no question, but we're finally ready to start that work after healing from the trauma of our previous, fraudulent couples counselor. So there, at least, there is something I can do, and I am damn well going to do it.
I don't know why or how I attained my sudden sense of calm. I just know that for the first time in two years I feel like I know what I can and can't control, and I feel deeply that things will get better. It's a damn good place to be.