Last week I started therapy for my depression and ADD. If therapy for ADD sounds strange, allow me to say that it's always been a huge factor in my depression. When you grow up with any sort of neurological difference, your self-esteem is systematically crushed into a pulp; you're told that you're not "really" trying, that you don't care enough to learn, that you could do so much better if you just "worked up to your full potential".
It's that last one that really got to me. I was told repeatedly by my parents and teachers that I was "too smart" to be sucking in school as much as I was. I didn't feel like I was smart at all. If I was so damn smart, why was school so hard? Why couldn't I remember a word the teacher said? Why couldn't I finish my assignments? Why wouldn't they all realize that I was just plain dumb and leave me alone?
Growing up like that plants a lot of negative thoughts in your head. The thought and mood diary that my therapist assigned me to do last week has really brought that out into the light. I learned that sometimes my thoughts precede my mood, and sometimes my mood precedes my thoughts, but that whatever the situation holy crap am I a negative person!
It's that last one that really got to me. I was told repeatedly by my parents and teachers that I was "too smart" to be sucking in school as much as I was. I didn't feel like I was smart at all. If I was so damn smart, why was school so hard? Why couldn't I remember a word the teacher said? Why couldn't I finish my assignments? Why wouldn't they all realize that I was just plain dumb and leave me alone?
Growing up like that plants a lot of negative thoughts in your head. The thought and mood diary that my therapist assigned me to do last week has really brought that out into the light. I learned that sometimes my thoughts precede my mood, and sometimes my mood precedes my thoughts, but that whatever the situation holy crap am I a negative person!
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