It's that last one that really got to me. I was told repeatedly by my parents and teachers that I was "too smart" to be sucking in school as much as I was. I didn't feel like I was smart at all. If I was so damn smart, why was school so hard? Why couldn't I remember a word the teacher said? Why couldn't I finish my assignments? Why wouldn't they all realize that I was just plain dumb and leave me alone?
Growing up like that plants a lot of negative thoughts in your head. The thought and mood diary that my therapist assigned me to do last week has really brought that out into the light. I learned that sometimes my thoughts precede my mood, and sometimes my mood precedes my thoughts, but that whatever the situation holy crap am I a negative person!