Thursday, March 29, 2012

FML: More Impending Loss

A few weeks ago I rejoiced to learn that Piglet, my feline companion of nearly seventeen years, does not, in fact, have cancer.  She has IBS, which caused fatty liver disease.  If a feeding tube were put in, and she could tolerate the food, she could make a full recovery.

Well, she can't tolerate the food.  Even though it's food she tolerated a few weeks ago.  Even though it's bland as hell.

Obviously, a cat who can't eat isn't going to make it.  I've decided to stop all procedures, like the feedings and the subcutaneous fluids, because they're only making her miserable (she's actually started hiding from me for the first time in her long life).  I don't want our last days together to be filled with me doing things to her.  The only meds I'm continuing are the anti-nausea and anti-inflammatory drugs that are likely to make her more comfortable.

This was a tough decision, but it helps that I have the strong sense that Piglet is just Over It.  She's ready to go.  That makes it only slightly less devastating.  This cat has been a loyal and loving companion for nearly 17 years.  She's the sweetest and most easygoing cat I've ever met; if you wanted her on your lap, you just put her there and she'd settle in.  But chances were she was on someone's lap anyway.

I could always count on Piglet to support me when I was sad or upset.  She'd bump her head on my arm or my leg, rub against me, and generally carry on cute until I at least had to smile.  Then she'd crawl into my arms and purr until I felt better.

She's no longer well enough to do that, and I think the feeding tube makes it difficult for her to purr.  But she's still nestled nest to me on the couch, providing what comfort she can.  I can't imagine my life without that love.

I've lost so much in the past two years.  I lost what I thought was a promising job.  I lost my mind and my mental health, and therefore the sense of efficacy I'd worked so hard to build throughout my adult life.  But hey, I thought to myself, at least my relationship is strong.  Then, last fall, my marriage crashed onto the rocks.  I thought to myself at least I've got my cats.  I also thought, but they're old ... and the way things have been going lately ... they're two of the few things I have left to lose.  And now I'm losing one of them.


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