Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Lamictal 300 mgs: Plus 2 mgs Abilify, minus 5 mgs Adderall

The short version: my mood has been all over the place for the last week and a half.  My pdoc had two options.  Number 1: Go back on 12.5 mgs of Zoloft, which would numb me out a bit, and shouldn't give me SSRI problems because they'd be tempered by the lamictal.  Or, number 2: go back on Abilify for the short term at a very low dose; I'd still feel my feelings, but I won't be reduced to tears over stupid shit.

In other words, the lamictal is helping a lot with the depression, but it's not stabilizing my mood as much as it needs to, and it needs help.

We decided to try Abilify first. We know from past experience that it will work immediately.  I also think it's important to feel my feelings; I just need not to be completely overwhelmed by them.  I feel pretty good about this.  I can start it tomorrow and stop crying like an emo kid.

We're also removing the Adderall from my cocktail.  After two weeks it's clear that while it does help my mood, it doesn't help enough.  It also wreaks havoc with my sleep.   Unless I can be sure to squeeze in some seriously vigorous exercise, and I can't always do that, and messed up sleep equals messed up mood.

A few words about my mood lately.  At some times I'm feeling really good, almost too good, and for no particular reason.  Then if I'm triggered (or sometimes when I'm not), I crash and crash hard.  I start sobbing and simply can't talk myself down, let alone stop, for several hours.  When I finally do, I last about ten minutes before I start sobbing again.

What do I mean when I say "stupid shit"?  Well, let me tell you about the day after Thanksgiving.  We like to cook our own small turkey, because we like to do things with the leftovers.  But, unbeknownst to us, the turkey was partially frozen.  It probably was up against the side of the refrigerator case or something.  Anyway, it took all afternoon to cook (way too long for a 12 lb turkey, so I was already crying about that).  Then we cut into it, half of it was raw.

The rational side of my brain, and my husband, told me that this wasn't my fault, and that we could just use the turkey for stock, so it wouldn't be a total loss.

The crazy part of my brain was in tears because I'd wasted all day and my husband was sick so he couldn't help me cook so we hadn't spent time together and he was leaving the country the next day AND I RUINED THE HOLIDAY!

Don't even ask what happened when he returned from his trip and didn't immediately give me a hug.

I can't be crying so much that it interferes with my life.  And with my husband probably also being depressed, I can't be triggering that feedback loop where does something without knowing it will upset me, and then I start crying, and then he feels bad for upsetting me ... and gets stressed ... and I feel bad for stressing him out, so I cry more ... and he withdraws from me emotionally ... so I get more upset ... and the cycle begins anew.

To wrap up: Abilify.

No comments:

Post a Comment

What are your thoughts? Talk amongst yourselves!