tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3085716317660375742024-02-07T00:34:45.092-08:00The Lamictal Diaries: Treating My Psychotic DepressionThe Lamictal Diaries is a mood tracker and side effect diary as I titrate up to a therapeutic dose of lamictal/lamotrigine for major depressive disorder with psychotic features. Or maybe it's bipolar II. Or "mood spectrum disorder". To ice the cake, I have comorbid adult ADD.Addy Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14015984115893693050noreply@blogger.comBlogger214125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-308571631766037574.post-89419624753335149082018-02-09T13:04:00.001-08:002018-02-09T13:05:53.160-08:00200 mgs of lamotrigine: so far, not so good<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Three weeks ago, I titrated down to 200 mgs of lamotrigine. Enter the lethargy, loss of focus, extreme fatigue that are <a href="https://mentalhealthdaily.com/2014/05/30/lamictal-withdrawal-symptoms-list-of-possibilities/" target="_blank">common side effects of lamotrigine/lamictal withdrawal</a>. I was getting twelve hours of sleep a day, still struggled to drag myself out of bed in the morning, and spent every day feeling unfocused and weird and generally out of it. I wasn't thinking clearly, so it didn't occur to me immediately that these symptoms were related to lamictal withdrawal until I talked to my therapist last week.<br />
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I was then moved to do a bit of research, and found a blog post called <a href="https://beyondmeds.com/2007/12/20/lamictal-withdrawal-from-hell/" target="_blank">Lamictal (lamotrigine) withdrawal from hell</a>. Hardly an encouraging title. Hell, I'd even say it was terrifying. But I was brave, and my courage was rewarded with a ton of useful information, including extended quotes from other lamotrigine users (and former users) describing the incredible fatigue they experienced as they weaned themselves off this medication. In order to combat this (and other side effects), many of them found that they needed to return to the higher dose for awhile, then lower the dose more gradually, over a longer period of time.<br />
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On Sunday, I emailed my doc and we decided that I'd go back up to 250 for a week. My fatigue has gotten better, but on the downside, I've had trouble sleeping, and I've felt more agitated. I've decided to try going down to 225... we'll see what happens.</div>
Addy Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14015984115893693050noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-308571631766037574.post-14389757821525139952018-01-20T13:03:00.000-08:002018-01-20T13:03:13.598-08:00Lamictal, 250 mgs: So Far, So Good<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<b>Two weeks ago, I dropped from 300 mg to 250 mg.</b> In the past
few days, I've noticed that I'm feeling a bit sharper, mentally. I've
begun craving healthy food again, after several years of craving <a href="https://lamictal-lamotrigine.blogspot.com/search/label/lamictal%20food%20cravings" target="_blank">salt, fat,</a>
and sweets (normally, I'm one of those lucky people who can normally
look at a plate of cookies dispassionately; not so on Lamictal). Best of
all, there's been no drop in my mood whatsoever!<br />
<br />
The
downside: I've had some GI issues (constipation and gas). My muscles are stiffer. I've also been
really tired, but this might be my body's way of telling me it's OK to
lower my Ativan dosage as well :)</div>
Addy Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14015984115893693050noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-308571631766037574.post-56669794317694728212018-01-19T13:02:00.001-08:002018-01-19T13:02:23.225-08:00Long time, no write - but I'm back!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<b>I started this diary to record my experiences as I started taking Lamictal (generic lamotrigine) for psychotic depression.</b> Lamictal has a good track record for treating mood disorders, but there are side effects, and they're different than anything I experienced on all the SSRI's I tried over the years. I needed to be vigilant about Stevens-Johnson Syndrome, a <a href="https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/stevens-johnson-syndrome/symptoms-causes/syc-20355936" target="_blank">potentially deadly skin rash</a>. I needed to track the drug's effect on my sleep, food intake, and cognition. I needed to figure out how much the medications side effects were interfering with the intended purpose of taking the damn thing in the first place: <b>treating my goddam mood disorder.</b> I ultimately stabilized on a dose of 300 mg, and I've been taking that for six years.<br />
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<b>I'm now beginning the opposite process: titrating down, in the hope of going off the medication completely!</b> My mood has improved dramatically over the past several years for various reasons, but in large part because I split up with my <a href="http://lamictal-lamotrigine.blogspot.com/2011/08/adhd-and-mood-disorders-fun-with.html" target="_blank">former partner</a>. I have my own place, I'm responsible for my own problems, and I'm no longer apologizing several times a day for the impact my disabilities have <i>on someone else</i>. <br />
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As I lower my Lamictal dosage, I'm feeling the same need to track my mood and various side effects, and that's why I'm back on my blog after all these years. As before, I hope I can be a useful resource for others who are taking this medication ... only this time, I'm also hoping to help those who are maybe trying to stop taking it.<br />
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<br /><br /></div>
Addy Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14015984115893693050noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-308571631766037574.post-32698723208039719642012-09-11T10:22:00.000-07:002012-09-11T10:22:13.010-07:00Lamictal, Abilify, And Direct Sunlight -- They're Not Kidding<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">The little sheet they gave me with my Abilify scrip warns against direct sunlight. Lamictal, as we know, can really screw with your skin. Combine those with an outdoor baseball game and you have ... well ... screwed up skin.<br />
<br />
I attended a baseball game three weeks ago. In spite of the 60 SPF sunblock I put on my arms, they're still peeling. After three weeks. As for my shins, where I forgot to apply sunblock entirely, let's just say that they were pretty screwed up.<br />
<br />
At first they followed the usual sunburn pattern. They turned red and sensitive. They started peeling. Then, surprise! Petechiea. Those are those little red spots on the skin which I <a href="http://lamictal-lamotrigine.blogspot.com/2011/07/lamictal-day-2-25-mgs.html" target="_blank">experienced on Day 2</a> after exercising. They went away after a few days, and I am once again peeling like a mofo.<br />
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I burn pretty easily, but I've never had a burn like this that just keeps peeling. Needless to say I broke out the aloe. But I would have been happier if I'd applied more sunblock.</div>Addy Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14015984115893693050noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-308571631766037574.post-75307628728088106492012-07-27T09:52:00.000-07:002012-07-27T09:52:31.464-07:00Can Haz Cat!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">In a recent post, I wrote about how my husband and I were kind of stuck in a netherworld of wanting another cat, but of not feeling ready.<br />
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Last weekend we took a trip to the SPCA to test the waters. By that point I felt I was ready, but my husband didn't. Then, we met our cat. It was a cat I had seen before but never visited; every time I saw her, she already had a visit tag for that day, so I needed to visit cats who hadn't been visited. But I felt like I wanted to get to know her better. I liked the way she looked at me -- as if she knew me.<br />
<br />
She's still adjusting, of course, but still seems very different from our previous two cats. She doesn't say much, for instance, even when she's hungry (our other cats would wail and complain, and when we told them they'd have to wait for dinner time, they'd start nipping our feet). However, she's a sweet kitty and is already proving herself to be a lap cat.<br />
<br />
I knew that cats were an important part of my self-care, but I'd forgotten how much. Since the arrival of SC, my anxiety levels have plummeted by a factor of ten, at least. I'm less depressed. I'm more hopeful. I don't just <i>love</i> cats, I <i>need</i> cats.</div>Addy Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14015984115893693050noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-308571631766037574.post-73075306593482987922012-07-09T11:55:00.001-07:002012-07-09T11:55:00.432-07:00First Year on Lamictal: Efficacy and Persistent Side Effects<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I started this blog one year ago today. Since then I've been through a lot: marital problems and the loss of the two cats who'd been keeping me sane all these years. And that's not even getting to the drugs.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Ah yes, the drugs. I'm on a lot of things besides 300 mg of lamictal. I'm also on 5 mg of Abilify, 70 mg of Vyvanse (for ADHD), 1.5 mg of Ativan, and (soon) 5 mg of Adderall (also for ADHD). That's not even getting to my allergy meds. I worry about my liver sometimes.</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">But this blog isn't really about the other drugs, it's about my experience with Lamictal -- how it's affected my mood, and what side effects I've had to put up with.</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Lamictal has definitely stabilized my mood. <a href="http://lamictal-lamotrigine.blogspot.com/p/my-baseline-before-starting-lamictal.html" target="_blank">A year ago</a>, my mood was more positive than not, but still unstable. At 12.5 grams of lamictal, I started to feel better, but I definitely still experienced my 3pm to 7 pm trough. I didn't start to feel stable until I hit 100 mgs. I titrated up to 150 mgs, and <a href="http://lamictal-lamotrigine.blogspot.com/2011/09/lamictal-150-mgs-days-grow-shorter-my.html" target="_blank">did pretty well until the Autumn Equinox</a>.</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Since my depression is so sensitive to light, I went up to 200 mgs and broke out the sun lamp. As the days continued to shorten my mood continued to destabilize. After a few weeks at 300 mgs, I needed to start Abilify to smooth things out and to ease my depression.</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I've been pretty stable since then, especially considering the deaths of my two cats in the space of two and a half months. The cast have thrown me for a loop. I'm sleeping more, and my motivation is shot to hell, but soon I'll be taking Adderall in an attempt to address that.</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">And now is the part where we address the side effects.</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Lamictal seems to rewire your whole nervous system. Like other brain meds, you might get headaches, dry mouth, dizziness, gut trouble, and sleep disturbances. Unlike other brain meds, it affects your skin, muscles, sense of balance, and sometimes your bladder too.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Personally, I've experienced everything but the headaches (and the dreaded <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stevens%E2%80%93Johnson_syndrome" target="_blank">Stevens-Johnson syndrome</a>) at one time or another. Here's the breakdown:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Urinary Problems</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br />
</span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I occasionally have trouble peeing, and this has been especially true since starting Abilify. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">GI Problems</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br />
</span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I've had occasional diarrhea and loose stools, but by far the worst thing was the severe constipation I experienced at 200 mgs. The weird thing about this is that I had no constipation at any other dosage. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Sleep Disturbances</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br />
</span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">In the beginning, I also had severe sleep disturbances (this is by far the biggest side-effect tag on this blog). The meds gave me delayed sleep phase -- I could sleep a normal eight hours, but only between 3 am and 11 am. Since I had been sleeping much more normal hours, this was incredibly frustrating. This problem went away when I started using my sunlamp in the Fall, and it hasn't returned since I stopped using my sunlamp in the Spring.</span><br />
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</span><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Balance Problems</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br />
</span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Before I injured my shoulder, I was lifting weights a lot. As I recover from my injury, I'm doing yoga. Both exercises require pretty good balance, and I notice that I sometimes have more trouble with this than I used to. However, it's gotten better the longer I've been on my meds.</span><br />
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</span><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Muscle Tension</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br />
</span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">This is actually a positive side effect. Whereas some folks notice that they're muscles are tight and sore, my muscles have loosened up significantly. I'm much more flexible, and I don't get delayed onset muscle stiffness anywhere near what I used to get. (Delayed onset muscle stiffness is that thing where you get stiff and sore hours to days after exercising). Since I was lifting weights, and plan to return to lifting weights, this is pretty sweet.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Skin Problems</span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br />
</span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Aside from the Dreaded Rash of Deadly Doom, aka Stevens Johnson Syndrome, lamictal can mess with your skin in all kinds of ways. And indeed, I've had skin issues since <a href="http://lamictal-lamotrigine.blogspot.com/2011/07/lamictal-day-2-25-mgs.html" target="_blank">Day 2</a>. Anything that happens to my skin seems to be amplified, whether it's heat rash, sunburn, or insect bites. This is another side effect augmented by Abilify (which actually warns you away from direct sunlight). </span><br />
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</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">To give you an example, a month ago I <a href="http://lamictal-lamotrigine.blogspot.com/2012/05/lamitcal-abilify-you-really-need.html" target="_blank">wrote about a sunburn</a> that I had gotten three weeks previously. It was still messing with my skin. It has now been eight weeks since that sunburn, and my skin is still a weird texture, and it only stopped peeling a few weeks to.</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">The moral of the story is, SUNBLOCK.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b>The Most Important Thing I Have Learned About Lamictal</b></span><br />
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</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">One of the posts that makes the consistent top five on this blog is the one about where to find Teva lamotrigine. Why does this matter?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">For whatever reason, lamotrigine's bioavailability can vary by something like 20%. Isn't it great that we regulate drugs in this country? Anyway. If you want the same bioavailability as the brand name, you need the Teva generic. I personally had a disastrous experience on the NorthStar version, and I know I'm not the only one. I got the NorthStar version at the Costco Pharmacy. As for Teva, Walgreens always carries it. To be safe, I fill my scrips at Walgreens. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">And that pretty much wraps up my first year on lamictal. This blog has gotten <span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 18px; text-align: -webkit-right;">11,538 page views</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 18px; text-align: -webkit-right;"> since its inception a year ago. I hope it's helped a few people along the way.</span></span><br />
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</div>Addy Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14015984115893693050noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-308571631766037574.post-75994800906065999602012-07-08T11:40:00.000-07:002012-07-08T11:40:00.234-07:00Overcoming My Fear of My Own Mind<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">The other night, as I was falling asleep, I realized that I was actually thinking about myself. Boring stuff mostly, where I'm going, how to get there, my complete lack of confidence in my ability to do so. The odd part is that it wasn't scary.<br />
<br />
Since my psychotic episode, I've been terrified to delve too deeply into myself. I've had a creative block. My meta-cognition has sucked. I've been put so much effort into hanging on by my fingernails that I haven't had time to think about myself ... but it's also something I've studiously avoided. I've been afraid of my own mind.<br />
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My psychotic episode, and the subsequent mood issues, makes me feel like my mind completely betrayed me. I'm a person who has always prided herself on being rational, on being able to think straight, of only holding well-reasoned opinions. The belief that the universe is devouring light particles is neither rational nor well-reasoned. The fact that I could believe such a thing, even while knowing it was false, is deeply frightening. <br />
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The belief came from such a deep part of my mind that I've been afraid to go back, so to speak. I've been afraid to look into my own depths. What if I'm overwhelmed again? What if my mind starts lying to me again?<br />
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Last night, something shifted in me. It was as if I'd been hanging on to a branch for dear life. If I let go of the branch, I'd go over Niagra Falls. I had to put all of my energy into hanging onto that damn branch, or else. Then, a channel opened up in front of me, a peaceful stream, and I can start making my way toward it. <br />
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I still find myself hoping that the stream isn't too deep. I'm afraid of what else might be in the water with me ... giant sturgeons, ichthyosaurs, anglerfish ... but at least I don't hear a thundering waterfall in the distance.</div>Addy Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14015984115893693050noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-308571631766037574.post-36123957185181135592012-07-06T11:40:00.000-07:002012-07-06T11:40:40.947-07:00So Much for Inner Peace<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">In a <a href="http://lamictal-lamotrigine.blogspot.com/2012/06/acceptance-actually.html" target="_blank">recent post</a> I wrote about feeling a sense of acceptance for my lot in life. My dead cat, my troubled relationship. That sense of acceptance has come and gone since then, but mostly gone.<br />
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I've been really moody this week. OK, one day it was because I forgot to take my meds, but still ... someone asked how I was doing and I started crying about my cat. They didn't even ask about my cat. Yet, I was in tears, and could barely speak. Yesterday I felt tearful as well.<br />
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I wasn't quite this bad after Piglet died. I suspect it was because I still had CC there to comfort me. I'm stuck in a crappy place where my partner and I aren't ready for another cat, but not having one is driving me crazy. I'm afraid I'll meet the perfect cat before we're ready, and also terrified that I'll never bond with another cat as long as I live. </div>Addy Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14015984115893693050noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-308571631766037574.post-55174623739221090692012-06-14T11:10:00.001-07:002012-06-14T11:10:03.826-07:00Anxiety and an Empty House<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on"><br />
After my volunteer shift at the animal shelter yesterday I started feeling anxious. My gig involves socializing with cats, which I love ... and yesterday, also gauging my comfort level with the idea of getting a new cat.<br />
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Yes, my kitty has only been gone for five days. It's too soon for me, and my poor husband was out of town when CC was euthanized, so he still needs to process the fact that she's really gone. Nonetheless, I want to start thinking having cats in our family once again. The house is just <i>so fucking empty</i> right now.<br />
<br />
What I can't tell is whether I'm anxious because I started imagining myself with other cats, or because of the empty house. Every time I hear a noise, I think "Oh, that's CC". Only it's not CC, and it never will be. That's one of the things about grief though; always thinking you see the deceased out of the corner of your eye, or hearing them in the other room, or thinking that they'<span style="background-color: white;">re on the couch or upstairs or wherever.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;">This experience made me realize that I've never been alone in my own house before. I've always had cats, ever since I moved into my own place at the age of 20. For that matter, I got Piglet and CC at that time. They've never not been here. One or the other was always on my lap, or sitting on the couch with me, or hanging out in the next chair. One or the other was usually talking to me. It's never been this quiet before, and I'm really having a hard time with it. Of course, I could take the Xanax my pdoc prescribed me, but I'm already on so many goddam drugs, and for some reason Xanax scares me.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;">So until we're ready for another cat, I may just have to live with anxiety.</span><br />
</div>Addy Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14015984115893693050noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-308571631766037574.post-14199584911106126072012-06-13T12:16:00.000-07:002012-06-13T12:16:00.140-07:00Acceptance, Actually<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">The path to healing is supposed to involve "acceptance". Sometimes this is called "surrender", a word which I hate for its connotations of cheesy romance novels. So I'll talk about "acceptance".<br />
<br />
Since my psychotic episode I have struggled mightily against my illness. I felt like I had to; I couldn't afford to go back there, I couldn't afford for my mood to get any worse, I couldn't afford another mistake with my meds. I've struggled against everything that's gone wrong with my life over the last two years. The jobs I've lost. My relationship problems. The loss of my cats.<br />
<br />
Then, the day before my cat CC died, I was overcome with a sense of calm. The universe is kicking my ass right now, for whatever reason. There's nothing I can do about my illness except what I'm already doing -- taking care of myself as best I can. The job stuff, my cats -- those situations are both out of my control. My relationship -- well, that needs work, no question, but we're finally ready to start that work after healing from the <a href="http://lamictal-lamotrigine.blogspot.com/2011/11/gottman-method-of-marriage-counseling.html" target="_blank">trauma of our previous, fraudulent couples counselor</a>. So there, at least, there is something I can do, and I am damn well going to do it.<br />
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I don't know why or how I attained my sudden sense of calm. I just know that for the first time in two years I feel like I know what I can and can't control, and I feel deeply that things will get better. It's a damn good place to be.</div>Addy Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14015984115893693050noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-308571631766037574.post-41244244424761101422012-06-11T12:16:00.003-07:002012-06-11T12:26:04.882-07:00The Other Shoe Drops: RIP CC the Cat<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">Ever since I <a href="http://lamictal-lamotrigine.blogspot.com/2012/03/fml-more-impending-loss.html" target="_blank">lost my first kitty in March</a>, I've been terrified that my other cat was soon to follow. I felt like she was the one thing I had left to lose, and I keep experiencing horrible loss. It didn't help that she went and developed hyperthyroidism. But then the meds seemed to help her for a good few months. And then last week she started seriously throwing up again.<br />
<br />
They vet ran her blood work, which had been normal the week before, and found some pretty bad liver numbers. They were, the vet said, consistent with a liver tumor or lymphoma. I guess hyperthyroidism can mask these conditions. <br />
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Given that CC was 18, I was not going to put her through chemo or surgery. I elected for palliative care. That was Thursday. On Saturday I had to put her to sleep. <br />
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I'm coping with this better than I coped with Piglet's death. I think it's because it's not the same roller-coaster, where she was at death's door several times and then bounced back. CC had a normal life right up until her last hours.<br />
<br />
But damn, how I miss her, and how quiet and empty the house feels without cats.</div>Addy Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14015984115893693050noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-308571631766037574.post-856449033229940372012-06-01T11:16:00.000-07:002012-06-01T11:16:00.267-07:00Getting Out of the House Helps<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">I haven't been blogging a lot lately. It's because I decided to take my shrink's advice and get out of the house.<br />
<br />
His theory was that moping around the house wasn't good for me. It wouldn't be good for anyone, but in my case I'd been housebound for months while taking care of my late lamented kitty. Being here all the time, he thought, was probably retraumatizing.<br />
<br />
So I pledged to get out of the house three days a week. I have to go to physical therapy anyway, and PT is close to my volunteer gig at the animal shelter, so I'm spending more time thinking about cats than my own misery. When you're depressed, this can't help but be a good thing.</div>Addy Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14015984115893693050noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-308571631766037574.post-38406288912983626272012-05-31T11:16:00.000-07:002012-05-31T11:16:19.683-07:00Lamitcal + Abilify = You Really Need Sunblock<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">Lamictal, as we all know, can really mess with your skin. In rare cases, it can mess with your skin so badly that it can <a href="http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/stevens-johnson-syndrome/DS00940" target="_blank">kill you</a>. But those are rare cases. Most of us just notice that our skin is more easily irritated than before.<br />
<br />
The warnings on Abilify caution you to avoid direct sunlight. Seriously. <br />
<br />
So what happens when you fail to take your meds into account and spend an afternoon in the sun without sunblock, which would be a bad idea anyway because you inherited the pasty skin of your Irish ancestors? What happens is that you wind up with a sunburn that flakes for weeks afterwards.<br />
<br />
Strangely enough, my sunburn wasn't bad enough to hurt. My skin just stayed really red for almost a week. Three weeks later, my skin is still flaking slightly. In pre-lamictal/abilify days, this whole process would have taken about a week.<br />
<br />
So, kids, if you're on either of these meds, and all the more so on both, wear that sunblock.</div>Addy Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14015984115893693050noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-308571631766037574.post-81071555387553138012012-05-15T11:33:00.000-07:002012-05-15T11:33:55.524-07:00Witnessing Violence<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">I suspect the scene will haunt me for some time to come. A young man, defibrillation leads attached uselessly to his chest, gunshot wounds in his torso, dead in a pool of his own blood.<br />
<br />
I, of course, caught the least of it.<br />
<br />
Mine was not the life that was ended so suddenly. I wasn't the one who got up on Friday morning, fully expecting to go to bed on Friday night, only to be shot down in the street. I'm not the grieving father, wailing over his son's body. I'm not the cousin desperately juggling her two small children while trying to find out what happened to her relative. I'm not even the woman who was led away from the scene, crying and traumatized, having witnessed the shooting itself.<br />
<br />
I'm just a neighbor who witnessed the aftermath. I'm just one of the people who had to leave the streetcar because its route was blocked by the crime scene, and therefore had to walk past it to get home. I'm even less affected than the dozens of people staring in horror at what happened right in front of their homes.<br />
<br />
I'm left wondering who could do such a thing. I know that murders happen every day, that there are places in the world where violence happens on a worse scale than a single murder (and that this violence is often perpetrated at the hands of my own government). But who could do such a thing? Who could end someone else's life like that?<br />
<br />
Oddly, I find myself asking myself -- over and over again -- how the killers could fail to consider the number of people whose lives would be changed irrevocably by their action. I ask myself this, even though the kind of people who could shoot another human being are obviously not the kind of people who give a damn about the aftermath. They don't care any more for the young man's family, for the people who witnessed the crime, or for the neighbors who are shaken to the core, than they cared for the life they took. Obviously. They're the kind of people who can and did kill someone in cold blood.<br />
<br />
I don't feel like this shooting makes me less safe in my neighborhood. When violence goes down in my here, it's inevitably a young black man who dies, and always at close range. The death is blamed on gang activity, though the victim is not always a gang member. Sometimes the shooters mistake their victim's identity. Oops.<br />
<br />
But it seems to me that blaming the crime on "gang activity" is a way of washing our hands of it. Those gangs; what are you going to do? I'm doubtful that the police investigate these shootings with the care they'd take if the victims were a different color, if there weren't that label of "gang violence" associated with them. After all, I suspect that this is one reason why these shootings happen at close range. The killers know that accidentally shooting someone like me would have repercussions. This makes me angry.<br />
<br />
Since witnessing that crime scene, I find I'm less tolerant of our culture's practice of portraying violence in the name of entertainment. How many of the people who make that choice have ever seen what I saw? How many of them have known someone who was murdered? How many of them have lost a family member to violence? Not many, I suspect. Those people probably live in better neighborhoods, neighborhoods that are far removed from tragedies like the one I witnessed.<br />
<br />
Something needs to change. As a society, we need to stop glorifying violence. We need to give our young men something to do, a way they can contribute to their communities. We need to take the murders of young black men as seriously as we would anyone else. We need a justice system that heals, restores, and rehabilitates, rather than one that turns people into harder, more violent people than they were to begin with. <br />
<br />
Thus endeth the preaching. Now I need to go figure out how to heal from what I saw.</div>Addy Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14015984115893693050noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-308571631766037574.post-31891628382814327812012-05-08T10:18:00.002-07:002012-05-15T10:55:55.087-07:00Grieving the Relapse of Chronic Illness<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">I've been struggling a lot lately with the issue of how to live with a chronic illness. As i've said before, I'm having a hard time caring for myself -- I <i>was</i> doing a damn good job of taking care of myself when I had my psychotic episode. I was eating right, exercising, getting enough sleep, taking my meds, avoiding caffeine and sugar and alcohol, and I had the worst mental health crash of my life.<br />
<br />
A few days ago, I found a post about <a href="http://explorewhatsnext.com/chronic-illness-six-stages-of-grieving-a-relapse/#comment-1100" target="_blank">grieving the relapse of a chronic illness</a> by Dr Aletta of <i>Explore What's Next</i>. Like it or not (and I don't like it, believe me) mental illness is a chronic condition. We will do well for awhile. Maybe we'll decide that we can handle a bit more stress in our lives. We'll stop saying "no" to things we really should. And then we'll relapse. It sucks.<br />
<br />
Dr. Aletta's post did three things for me. First, it made me realize that there <i>was</i> something I wasn't doing to take care of myself -- I wasn't managing my stress levels. Of course, I'd been under worse stress in my life, so I thought I could handle it. Still, I was under a lot of stress. Between that and my lack of sunlight, it seems I doomed myself.<br />
<br />
Second, she writes candidly about hating to take the meds required for her condition. She did what she advises her patients never, ever to do -- she altered her dosage so she took less of the medication. I've never done this myself, but the temptation is always there. I felt a lot better just knowing that a psychologist can make the same mistakes a lot of us do as we try to live with the side effects of our meds.<br />
<br />
Finally, reading this post made me realize that my recent frustration and depression is normal for someone having a relapse. When we have a relapse it's natural to grieve. It's normal to be in denial, to get angry, to get depressed -- though that last one is bitterly ironic for someone with a mood disorder. I've spent a lot of time lately feeling very angry and resentful. It's not fair that I have to live with this chronic condition, that I have to put so much energy into caring for myself, when others can just go about their lives.<br />
<br />
This is just a synopsis of Dr. Aletta's article. I highly recommend reading the original.<br />
<br />
</div>Addy Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14015984115893693050noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-308571631766037574.post-3844021658611494882012-05-04T12:59:00.002-07:002012-05-04T13:00:28.228-07:00How to Lose Weight and Keep It Off: You Can Do It<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Wilma Goodfellow over at The Prozac Monologues has been writing a series of posts about the prevalence of metabolic syndrome in general, and particularly in the mentally ill. She herself recently decided to lose weight. <a href="http://prozacmonologues.blogspot.com/2012/04/preparationaction-reprogramming-your.html" target="_blank">Last week's post</a> was about how to "reprogram" yourself to do it. I highly recommend it (and the rest of the series) to anyone who's trying to get healthy. You will learn not just about how to lose weight, but the mechanisms that cause overeating and overweight in the first place.<br />
<br />
In her first post in the series, she quotes from the CIA World Fact Book that the United States ranks <i>50th in the world</i> in terms of life expectancy. Now that's something to be proud of, right? Right?<br />
<br />
Among the severely mentally ill, the figures are far, far worse: we have an average life expectancy of someone in Sudan. To refresh your memory about Sudan, the last decade has brought them civil war, genocide, and famine.<br />
<br />
These numbers are due to several factors. Many of the drugs we take cause us to gain weight, or cause us to crave food (lookin' at you, Lexapro!). Many of us also face inadequate medical care; we don't have access to nutritionists, dietitians, or physical trainers that can help us lose weight. Goodfellow's series shows us that weight loss is still possible. <br />
<br />
As they say, weight loss isn't easy. To sustain it, you need to change your lifestyle, and change it permanently. Sound hard? It is. Three years ago I lost 60 lbs, because I was 33 years old and already developing back and knee problems. It was a struggle, but it was worth it -- both in terms of my current quality of life, and the extra 15 years I may have because of it.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br /></div>Addy Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14015984115893693050noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-308571631766037574.post-90800300889805081072012-05-03T11:03:00.000-07:002012-05-03T11:03:12.654-07:00CBT for Depression: Mood and Thought Diary<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">Last week I started therapy for my depression and ADD. If therapy for ADD sounds strange, allow me to say that it's always been a huge factor in my depression. When you grow up with any sort of neurological difference, your self-esteem is systematically crushed into a pulp; you're told that you're not "really" trying, that you don't care enough to learn, that you could do so much better if you just "worked up to your full potential". <br />
<br />
It's that last one that really got to me. I was told repeatedly by my parents and teachers that I was "too smart" to be sucking in school as much as I was. I didn't feel like I was smart at all. If I was so damn smart, why was school so hard? Why couldn't I remember a word the teacher said? Why couldn't I finish my assignments? Why wouldn't they all realize that I was just plain dumb and leave me alone?<br />
<br />
Growing up like that plants a lot of negative thoughts in your head. The thought and mood diary that my therapist assigned me to do last week has really brought that out into the light. I learned that sometimes my thoughts precede my mood, and sometimes my mood precedes my thoughts, but that whatever the situation <i>holy crap am I a negative person!</i></div>Addy Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14015984115893693050noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-308571631766037574.post-29691749777894349942012-05-02T10:49:00.000-07:002012-05-02T10:49:46.102-07:00The Danger of Broadening the "Bipolar" Diagnosis in the DSM V<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">Bipolar Blog posted an opinion piece today from a research psychiatrist, Mark Zimmerman, MD, who sees danger in<a href="http://www.psypost.org/2012/04/rhode-island-hospital-researcher-broadening-bipolar-disorder-criteria-is-a-bad-idea-11266" target="_blank"> expanding the definition of bipolar disorder in the DSM V</a>. Some of you may already know that the DSM V is considering such diagnoses as "bipolar III" and "mood spectrum disorder" to describe those whose symptoms are "sub-threshold" for bipolar disorder, but are a little closer to bipolar than to unipolar depression.<br />
<br />
This is a controversy in the psychiatric community, with <a href="http://www.nassirghaemi.com/bipolar_depression_55507.htm" target="_blank">some doctors, like Nassir Ghaemi, advocating for the expanded diagnosis</a>.<br />
<br />
I'm not sure what to think about this. My own official diagnosis is "depression with psychotic features". For whatever reason, my illness involves daily depressive mood swings that last from 3 pm until 7 pm. My illness cycles in a way that typical depression doesn't. While I don't have a bipolar diagnosis -- I've never had a hypomanic or manic episode -- I'm being treated in exactly the same way I would be if I were bipolar: I'm on a mood stabilizer instead of an antidepressant, with an antipsychotic thrown in for additional support. In my case, it doesn't matter what my diagnosis is called; the important thing is that I'm getting the treatment I need.<br />
<br />
But it would be pretty easy for a pdoc to look at my symptoms and keep trying me on SSRI's, no matter that they sedate me. In that way I might be better off with some sort of expanded bipolar diagnosis.<br />
<br />
On the other hand, as Zimmerman points out, there is a danger in expanding the definition of bipolar disorder to include people who've never had mania of any stripe but are considered "sub-threshold" in some way. There's no evidence that mood stabilizers are a better treatment for these folks, and mood stabilizers often have more unwanted side effects than SSRI's.<br />
<br />
There's a bigger danger in misdiagnosing and medicating someone for bipolar disorder: some of these meds can actually cause the symptoms they're meant to alleviate. I've seen this first hand with my friend Anna.<br />
<br />
Anna had been on SSRI's for years without really feeling an effect from them. Her depression worsened, and she was diagnosed as bipolar II based solely on the fact that over the years, she hadn't responded to trials of at least three antidepressants. So her pdoc tried a cocktail that involved a mood stabilizer, an SSRI, and an antipsychotic. At that point, she had her first hypomanic episode.<br />
<br />
That was a year and a half ago. Since then her pdoc tried her on various combinations of meds in those categories. She wound up in the hospital several times. She had to deal with side effects like tremors, at which point her doctor put her on a beta blocker; then came the anxiety, for which her doctor put her on clonopin. She was finally able to talk her pdoc into giving her much lower doses of her meds. <br />
<br />
She's finally stable, and no longer has to take other meds to treat side effects of the first ones. Needless to say, she resents losing a year of her life to the experimentations of her medical team.<br />
<br />
In her case, it seems like the meds she's on actually<i> induced</i> her bipolar condition. Keep in mind that <i>she'd never showsn symptoms of hypomania</i> before her bipolar II diagnosis. In her case, it seems that an expanded definition of bipolar did not help to treat her illness. <br />
<br />
I think the moral of the story is that whatever the DSM V committee decides to do with bipolar definitions, it would be nice if psychiatrists kept in mind that it's just a guideline. People do not fit neatly into their categories. When it comes to diagnosing a real, live, human being, the art, and not just the science, of medicine must come into play.</div>Addy Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14015984115893693050noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-308571631766037574.post-47965061864126329212012-04-27T10:56:00.000-07:002012-04-27T10:56:24.240-07:00The Dangers of Blue Light: Careful With That iPad<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">Last fall, I thought I was getting away with something when I watched videos on my iPad at night. In spite of the blue light emitted by iPads that can be so dangerous to the sleep phases of modd-disordered persons, there I was, sleeping normally. I theorized that maybe <a href="http://lamictal-lamotrigine.blogspot.com/2011/09/sleep-light-and-mood-disorder.html" target="_blank">the screen was too small</a> to emit enough light to screw me up.<br />
<br />
I now theorize that I was wrong. My current theory is that I'd been watching videos, which are obviously not all emitting pure white or blue light all the time. Much of the time, indeed, the colors on the screen can be quite dark.<br />
<br />
The same is not true if you're using the iPad as a reading device. Then, it's straight-up black text on a white background. Then, you stay up until 2 am reading. Then, you can't fall asleep before 2 am for the next two weeks; and then, the trend shows no sign of stopping.</div>Addy Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14015984115893693050noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-308571631766037574.post-50680319399081193052012-04-22T12:07:00.003-07:002012-04-22T12:33:02.261-07:00Alaska, ADHD, and the Hunter-Farmer HypothesisLately I've been neglecting the blogs I used to read, so I wandered over to Gina Pera's <a href="http://adhdrollercoaster.org/" target="_blank">ADHD Roller Coaster</a> to see what I've been missing. I found an interesting guest post about the <a href="http://adhdrollercoaster.org/the-basics/north-to-alaska-and-lots-of-adhd/#.T5RWyo5mbLI" target="_blank">prevalence of ADD traits in Alaska</a>. After the author was first diagnosed, she started to notice that an unusually high number of her friends and relatives also had ADHD traits. So she checked with them, and lo and behold, many of them had been diagnosed with ADD.<br />
<div><br />
</div><div>She makes the point that Alaska is tailor-made for people with ADHD. There's plenty of dangerous, adventurous work to do for those of us who loathe the thought of traditional desk jobs (and I should say here and now that I used to harbor a fantasy of moving to Alaska to become a bush pilot). To me, though, the most interesting part is when she describes walking through the woods with her sons.</div><div><br />
</div><div>When her sons are outside, suddenly their "distractibility" turns into "noticing things":</div><blockquote class="tr_bq"><i>They are attuned to every detail of their surroundings, noticing each chirping bird fluttering softly in the brush and each animal track on the ground. Given the high probability of us running across a bear during our excursions, I find their hyper-awareness to be quite a relief. In a school setting it gets them in trouble; in a wilderness setting it could save their lives.</i></blockquote><br />
Now, I'm generally not one of those people who feels that ADD is some sort of gift, that people with ADD are somehow "more creative" than others. I've known too many creative people who don't have ADHD, and they're a lot better off than I am -- they can follow through on their creative projects, and actually get around to putting them out into the world. <br />
<br />
There is, however, one area where I do feel ADD confers a gift: when I'm outside, I notice a lot of things my non-ADHD compaions don't. Quite simply, I'm "distracted" by every bird flying overhead, every rustling in the grass, every mark I see the ground. I notice foxes and rabbits and quail and coyotes. I see hawks diving for their dinners. I spot whale spouts offshore. Sometimes, my companions luck out and I can show them what I see. Often, though, they miss out -- the wildlife has vanished by the time I point it out to them. When I'm outside, I'm not "disordered", I'm "observant". In this one area, ADD means I have an advantage that others don't.Addy Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14015984115893693050noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-308571631766037574.post-40134779330293325352012-04-19T16:22:00.001-07:002012-04-19T16:22:00.368-07:00300 mgs: Have to Be Careful AnywayA few weeks ago I wrote about <a href="http://lamictal-lamotrigine.blogspot.com/2012/04/whats-my-motivation.html" target="_blank">how bad I've been feeling</a> lately. Then, the next day, I did something to make it worse. I went to Brian Copeland's show <a href="http://www.themarsh.org/Brian_Copeland.html" target="_blank">The Waiting Period</a>. It's a darkly comic one-man show about the ten-day waiting period that California requires when purchasing a handgun. Copeland was purchasing that handgun in order to commit suicide. The waiting period probably saved his life.<br />
<br />
<br />
The show was great, both funny and poignantly sad. But I shouldn't have gone to see it.<br />
<div><br />
</div><br />
It wound up being really triggering. Copeland's character moved between today, in real time, and the person he was when he was suicidal. The suicidal character described so many things I felt, and am feeling. What particularly resonated was the repetition of the phrase, "everything hurts". In his case, the pain was felt physically: "Even my hair hurts!". In my case, the recurring thought is "my life hurts".<br />
<br />
Watching the show, I remembered all the times I've been at a stop sign or a crosswalk and thought, <i>I could just step into traffic</i>. I remembered by recurring thoughts of cutting myself, thoughts that started when I was a teenager. The recurring, frustrated thought, <i>I should just shoot myself in the head</i>. Copeland wanted to shoot himself in the heart, because that's where his pain was. I guess I think of shooting myself in the head because it's just been so useless to me -- the learning disabilities, the ADHD, the consequent underemployment, and of course, the crazy.<br />
<br />
Lest you be worried, I don't have a suicide plan, and I don't even own a gun. The point of this post is that, when you have a mood disorder, no matter how medicated you are, you still need to be really careful about what you allow yourself to listen to and see. I thought I was doing well enough that I could enjoy the show without adverse consequences to myself. I wasn't.<br />
<br />
The only upside is that seeing the show made me realize how much I was in denial about how bad I was doing, and now I'm seeking help. And that, as it happens, was Copeland's message: if you're feeling really bad, tell someone. Get help. Don't suffer in silence, alone.Addy Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14015984115893693050noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-308571631766037574.post-3148995725844287502012-04-17T10:59:00.000-07:002012-04-17T10:59:52.183-07:00Starting Therapy (hopefully)I've probably needed therapy for several months now. It's not something I could have handled in the months following my <a href="http://lamictal-lamotrigine.blogspot.com/2011/07/what-is-psychotic-depression-anyway.html" target="_blank">psychotic episode</a>, but I definitely could have used it when I learned that my relationship is <a href="http://lamictal-lamotrigine.blogspot.com/2011/08/adhd-and-mood-disorders-fun-with.html" target="_blank">cracked to its very foundations</a>.<div><br />
</div><div>I didn't seek counseling at that time because I felt I couldn't afford it. We needed couples counseling, and I knew I'd need to see my doctor for med checks pretty often once winter really swung into high gear. My pdoc isn't in network, so that would ultimately cost a few thousand dollars.</div><div><br />
</div><div>Since the <a href="http://lamictal-lamotrigine.blogspot.com/2012/03/fml-more-impending-loss.html" target="_blank">death of my cat</a>, I've felt overwhelmed by feelings of sadness and hopelessness. I've lost a lot of motivation. Though I know I don't really want to die, at times I felt ... well, kind of like I wanted to die. It's clear that I need help. But I can't afford to spend a few hundred dollars a month. Not after spending a few thousand on vet bills last month.</div><div><br />
</div><div>Finally it occurred to me that my clinic at UCSF, <i>which takes my health insurance</i>, has one of the best mental health outfits in the country. They probably also take my insurance. I called them, and while they themselves are booked up, they could recommend a few people who had the knowledge to deal with my problems and <i>who also take my health insurance.</i> </div><div><br />
</div><div>I think I've found someone I can work with (*fingers crossed*) and I hope to start late this week or early next week, depending on availability. He's knowledgeable about both depression and ADHD, which I think will help me a great deal. I've always wondered how depressed I would be if my ADHD weren't such a problem. I underachieved in elementary school, and was constantly shamed by my teachers. I came to believe that I was actually stupid and wished to hell everyone else would catch on and stop expecting so damn much of me. When things got better in junior high and high school, I sort of felt like a fraud; when I got to college I hit a brick wall and was finally diagnosed with ADHD and learning disabilities; as an adult I've been chronically unemployed and underemployed. Under these circumstances it's hard to have much self-confidence. It's easy to get depressed. </div><div><br />
</div><div>So I'm pretty glad to have a therapist who understands both mood disorders and AHHD. One lesson I've learned is that if a therapist doesn't really understand ADHD, all sorts of problems can arise -- for instance, if you're chronically late, it's time to explore why you might be resistant to therapy. Oh, <i>of course</i> you have ADHD, but what's <i>really</i> going on? What's "really" going on, dammit, is that people with ADHD are chronically late. That particular therapist was excellent in all other respects, so I kept working with her. I guess the only good thing I can say is that I damn well learned to be on time to appointments.</div><div><br />
</div><div>Last week I was feeling pretty hopeless. Just knowing that I'll be getting help has made a big difference.</div>Addy Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14015984115893693050noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-308571631766037574.post-20568477279414056522012-04-13T11:14:00.000-07:002012-04-13T11:14:53.750-07:00Nothing Like Ativan In the MorningI'm<a href="http://lamictal-lamotrigine.blogspot.com/2012/04/whats-my-motivation.html" target="_blank"> pretty depressed right now</a>. My life has been a bit like a bad country song lately: my cat died, my marriage is in trouble, I'm unemployed ... all I need is a midnight train out of town and the narrative would be complete.<br />
<br />
Earlier in the week I was damn miserable. I'm not suicidal or anything; I don't have "a plan", and I really don't want to die ... except that I felt like I wanted to die. I didn't say this to my pdoc, but described my mood and motivation, and how they had suffered incredibly since the death of my dear kitty. <br />
<br />
I figured that he'd up my abilify because it seems to be a very effective antidepressant for me. Instead he recommended that I try taking .5 mgs of ativan during the day as needed. At that dosage, he said, it shouldn't make me sleepy.<br />
<br />
So yesterday I tried it. Within half an hour I needed a nap -- pretty amazing, given that I'm also on 70 mgs of amphetamine for my ADHD. <br />
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So much for that idea.Addy Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14015984115893693050noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-308571631766037574.post-37326087488202406582012-04-11T10:53:00.000-07:002012-04-11T10:53:00.146-07:00Self-Esteem and the Confidence of Others<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">It's important for others to have confidence in us. If those closest to us don't believe in us, in our ability to reach our goals, in our ability to heal, in our ability to overcome our difficulties ... well, it's damn hard for us to believe we can accomplish those things. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I'm depressed right now, and maybe that's coloring my memories, but I feel like nobody's ever believed in me. My parents always told me I was smart, but they won't acknowledge the disabilities that hold me back. Without doing that, I can't go to them for advice the way some other people can go to their own parents. Then there's my husband, who thinks I make excuses to avoid working. Yeah. Three learning disabilities and psychotic depression is an "excuse".</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Right now, I'm trying to believe that I can overcome what happened to me last year. And, for that matter, my entire adult life of underemployment. But it's a damn difficult thing. Here I am, depressed, feeling bad about myself, needing to view myself positively ... and having to get to that place without help from anyone.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/nbYt6m9Gx68?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>Addy Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14015984115893693050noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-308571631766037574.post-35139443224696299502012-04-10T11:21:00.000-07:002012-04-10T11:21:13.655-07:00Lamictal 300 mgs, Abilify 5 mgs: Sunlight, Heat, and ExercisBrain meds can mess up your body in all kinds of ways you might never think of. For instance, both lamictal and abilify can screw with your body's ability to handle sunlight and overheating. The side-effect warnings on abilfy even caution you against heavy exercise.<br />
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And yet, when you have a mood disorder, your pdoc is always pestering you about exercise. Exercise improves mood -- it's a proven fact. I know that if I don't engage in regular heavy exercise, my mood, my energy level, and my attention span all suffer.<br />
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So here I am, on lamictal. The little drug sheet warns you about susceptibility to sunburn, and some people find they're prone to heat stroke when taking it; and indeed, when I first started on it, I found that I could get a non-trivial sunburn even while wearing my 60 SPF sunblock (<i>n.b.: </i>I'm of Irish descent, living in Northern California, and can get a mild sunburn in 15 minutes even on a cloudy day). But I had no problem exercising on lamictal whatsoever.<br />
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Enter abilify. Right away I notice that I'm more easily fatigued while exercising. Then I notice that my skin gets hot much sooner than it should, given my activity level. Then I notice that I'm not sweating anywhere near as much as I should be. So I'm basically overheating, which explains the fatigue.<br />
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Overheating while exercising is a pretty bad thing, but I can't afford to give up heavy exercise. I need it to keep my mood, energy levels, and attention span stable. Right now I have a shoulder injury that's kept me from lifting weights, and believe me I can feel its impact. <br />
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What to do?<br />
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I've tried to fill in the gaps by running, but when I overheat I get tired and can't exercise like I want to. Then I had a revelation. If the problem is that I don't sweat, the effect is that I don't get the evaporative cooling that sweat provides. If I replace the evaporative cooling, I can get the benefits of sweat without actually sweating.<br />
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So I run on a treadmill and always have a water bottle nearby. When I need to, I splash water on my face. It helps enormously. I cool off and don't tire as quickly. A spray bottle would work even better, if I could remember to bring one.Addy Bellhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14015984115893693050noreply@blogger.com0