The Gottman Method of Marriage Counseling: It Might Not Be What You Expect

UPDATE:  Thanks to a google alert (presumably), an employee at the Gottman institute got in touch with me regarding this post.  This individual was able to ascertain that my couples therapist is not, as we were led to believe, Gottman Certified, and they've kindly offered to help my partner and me find someone who is. 


I hope to learn how to verify Gottman Certification, at which point I will write a post about that.  As for this post, I will be leaving it up for the sake of informing others how misrepresentation in marriage counseling can go horribly wrong.  I may revise it or remove it in the future depending on how events play out.


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When it became clear that my husband and I needed marriage counseling, we found an outfit that used the Gottman Method.  We signed up with a local counseling clinic that offers a series of 12 sessions designed to Improve Your Relationship by Building Intimacy and Communication Skills.  Counselors who work with the Gottman method are certified by the Gottman research institute.

Six sessions into our twelve week session, I thought I'd evaluate my experience with the Gottman method and its effectiveness so far.  It's a big topic so it's going to be a series of posts.  This, the first post, will discuss the assumptions and expectations I had going into it and how they've played out.

First, a few words about the Gottman method and why we chose it.  The method is based on two things:  Dr. John Gottman's years and years of psychological research, and Dr Julie Gottman's years and years of clinical experience.  We chose this method because of its research and evidence-based foundation. Based on Gottman's own website, we thought that

Gottman Method Couples Therapy is a structured, goal-oriented, scientifically-based therapy. Intervention strategies are based upon empirical data from Dr. Gottman’s three decades of research with more than 3,000 couples.

I have ADHD.  We have some serious issues gnawing away at the foundations of our marriage.  We're kind of floundering right now.  In other words, structure sounded pretty good.

If you read anything about the Gottman method, you come away thinking that the method is supposed to be much more than learning how to address conflict.  Gottman has observed that, in addition to having good conflict management skills, those couples who stay together exhibit other key behaviors.  Repairing a relationship requires that these areas be addressed: rebuilding friendship and affection in the marriage, getting to know each other again, or understanding where your partner is coming from on potentially contentious issues like sex or in-laws or finance (which is our big issue).

I thought that this last one in particular would be a very important thing for my partner and I to undertake.  I believe that we to talk about, and understand, how and why we see money so differently.  Why I feel that it's important to spend money to be happy now, or to deal with an emergency, and why my partner thinks that saving is the single most important thing in the universe. 

Unfortunately, our sessions have not addressed any of these issues.  They've also lacked much of the structure I was expecting (in fact, fervently hoping for).  Our first session with the counselor was a complete disaster.  The counselor just turned us loose to discuss a need that my partner had brought up.  Not only was there no structure, but when it got downright contemptuous, he didn't intervene. 

I brought this up at our next session, only to be told that the Gottman method is "couples based", so we're supposed to come into the session with something we "need to address" and then address it. Hmm.  Sounds a lot like regular marriage counseling, doesn't it?

He agreed to give his input when things seemed to be getting tense, but told us that if we wanted to do any of the other areas the Gottman method addresses -- supporting each others hopes and dreams, creating shared meaning, returning to a positive perspective about the relationship and each other -- we would only devote the session to that if we walked in and said that was what we needed.

Is it just me, or does that sound like a lot of work to expect from a couple in extreme distress?  That we put our roiling emotions aside and think rationally about our needs at every step?  That we can't rely on our counselor to observe us closely and make suggestsions?

As I said above, "managing conflict" is only one of seven areas that Gottman has identified as a skill that happy couples have.  So far we've learned that to manage conflict, we're supposed to frame our statements in terms of "I need" or "I want" to keep it from getting harsh or defensive.

Really?  I could never have found that information on the internet!  For that matter, it's not like I've learned that in any of the non-violent communication training I've done.

To summarize my rant:  In order to claim affiliation with the Gottman method, therapists are supposed to undergo special training to learn about the method and how to employ it.  Gottman's website describes the therapy as "highly structured" and addressing several issues besides conflict management.  This led me, and it might lead others, to believe that by signing on for Gottman therapy they can expect something that resembles what they've read about on his website or in his books.

This is not necessarily the case.  Different therapists work in different ways, whatever method or discipline they employ, and they might choose to take the session in ways you don't anticipate.  In other words, as with all things, your mileage may vary.