The other night, as I was falling asleep, I realized that I was actually thinking about myself. Boring stuff mostly, where I'm going, how to get there, my complete lack of confidence in my ability to do so. The odd part is that it wasn't scary.
Since my psychotic episode, I've been terrified to delve too deeply into myself. I've had a creative block. My meta-cognition has sucked. I've been put so much effort into hanging on by my fingernails that I haven't had time to think about myself ... but it's also something I've studiously avoided. I've been afraid of my own mind.
My psychotic episode, and the subsequent mood issues, makes me feel like my mind completely betrayed me. I'm a person who has always prided herself on being rational, on being able to think straight, of only holding well-reasoned opinions. The belief that the universe is devouring light particles is neither rational nor well-reasoned. The fact that I could believe such a thing, even while knowing it was false, is deeply frightening.
The belief came from such a deep part of my mind that I've been afraid to go back, so to speak. I've been afraid to look into my own depths. What if I'm overwhelmed again? What if my mind starts lying to me again?
Last night, something shifted in me. It was as if I'd been hanging on to a branch for dear life. If I let go of the branch, I'd go over Niagra Falls. I had to put all of my energy into hanging onto that damn branch, or else. Then, a channel opened up in front of me, a peaceful stream, and I can start making my way toward it.
I still find myself hoping that the stream isn't too deep. I'm afraid of what else might be in the water with me ... giant sturgeons, ichthyosaurs, anglerfish ... but at least I don't hear a thundering waterfall in the distance.
Since my psychotic episode, I've been terrified to delve too deeply into myself. I've had a creative block. My meta-cognition has sucked. I've been put so much effort into hanging on by my fingernails that I haven't had time to think about myself ... but it's also something I've studiously avoided. I've been afraid of my own mind.
My psychotic episode, and the subsequent mood issues, makes me feel like my mind completely betrayed me. I'm a person who has always prided herself on being rational, on being able to think straight, of only holding well-reasoned opinions. The belief that the universe is devouring light particles is neither rational nor well-reasoned. The fact that I could believe such a thing, even while knowing it was false, is deeply frightening.
The belief came from such a deep part of my mind that I've been afraid to go back, so to speak. I've been afraid to look into my own depths. What if I'm overwhelmed again? What if my mind starts lying to me again?
Last night, something shifted in me. It was as if I'd been hanging on to a branch for dear life. If I let go of the branch, I'd go over Niagra Falls. I had to put all of my energy into hanging onto that damn branch, or else. Then, a channel opened up in front of me, a peaceful stream, and I can start making my way toward it.
I still find myself hoping that the stream isn't too deep. I'm afraid of what else might be in the water with me ... giant sturgeons, ichthyosaurs, anglerfish ... but at least I don't hear a thundering waterfall in the distance.
I can so relate to this post! I think you've just described the fine line between genius and insanity.
ReplyDeleteI have good days and bad days. After I wrote this post the feeling of fear came back. But at least now I know that the peaceful stream is there!
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