Oh Ativan, How I Miss You; Clonopin, How I Hate You

I was a dumbass and let myself run out of Ativan.  I've been without it for two nights, and for two nights I haven't slept at all well.

Oddly, I've been able to get to sleep.  I just can't stay asleep.  I wake up every hour and a half (apparently, this corresponds to sleep cycles), feeling anxious, coming out of what feels sort of like but not quite an anxiety-tinged dream.  It's as if I'm obsessing and ruminating in my sleep in a way that I don't actually do when I'm awake (thanks, Abilify!)

When I was first prescribed Ativan a few years ago, my doctor told me that it wasn't a sleep medication per se.  It's a make-your-brain-shut-up medication.  It's supposed to quiet those thoughts that keep us from falling asleep.  These are usually anxious thoughts, but in my case they can be everything from anxious or depressive thoughts, to thoughts about my next art project, to thoughts about the space program.

Ativan is a benzodiazapene, which means that your body will build up a tolerance to it.  Maybe this is rebound anxiety from suddenly having my 1.5 mgs of Ativan cut off.   I just wish to gods that I'd been on top of the refill.  My meds supposedly shipped last Friday, so it's been four business days and I should have them tomorrow at the latest. 

For now, I'm at the point where I might have to try clonopin again or risk something seriously weird happening to my brain.  Clonopin made me feel ill after just two nights at .25 mgs (I was prescribed .5 mgs).  I managed to cut my half pill in half last time -- I wonder if I can cut my quarter pill in half again?