Lamictal 300mgs: Nearing My Psychoversary

It was last year at this time that things started to get really bad.  I felt OK during the sunny days, had low energy during the cloudy days.  Once it hit 4 pm though ... then The Thoughts started coming.  They went something like this:

There's not enough light in the house.  There's not enough light in the universe! But if I turn on all the lights in the house, I can keep it from tipping into the darkness.  

So ... darkness somehow "weighs more" than light?  That doesn't make any sense; how can darkness "weigh" anything?  It doesn't; it just doesn't.  

On the other hand ... I the dark, cavernous maw in the other room is sort of bugging me. All right, I'll humor myself, I'll turn on every damn light in the house.

And then, as the weeks wore on:

There aren't enough photons.  They're being devoured.  All the light in the entire universe is being devoured.

Oh, please! You know damn well that light particles are being emitted and destroyed all the time.  Anyway, conservation of mass and energy happen to be a governing law in this universe and you know it.  Nothing is being "destroyed".

The darkness is coming.  It's coming for us.  For us and, and for everything else.  Look, there's some right now, in that corner.  There's some more, behind that bookcase.  And up there on the ceiling.

OK, OK, we'll get more lights.  Will that work?

Well ... it's a start.

 Of course, more light was not enough.  Within a week I was covering things in foil, to reflect those precious photons back into the universe, and to keep them from being eaten all up.

Last year, those thoughts started in mid-October, and got worse and worse until I was put on Abilify.  This year, thanks to better medications and early intervention with my sun lamp, I haven't been having those thoughts at all.  I've realized just how much energy (ha!) I was expending trying to contain those bizarre thoughts.  It took so much work.  Even though my mood didn't feel particularly low for most of the day, and even though my weird photon obsession wouldn't kick in until sunset, I was distracted by it during the day.  I was carrying a very heavy, invisible burden.

Kind of like the One Ring.

Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers


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