Lamictal 200 mgs: Two Weeks, and Still Not Stable

I realized today that it's been awhile since this, my mood diary, has included writings about my actual mood.  Mostly I've been bitching about side effects.  Because they've really sucked.

It's been two weeks since I've titrated up to 200 mgs of lamictal.  My mood was higher, and more even, for the first few days ... and then it rained for a few days.  The days got shorter.  My mood started slipping, and my late-afternoon troughs returned.  I'm still at a point where waking up to a cloudy day, or hearing something that's only a little sad, can leave me depressed for the rest of the day.  I'm seeing my shrink today, and planning to ask him if we can raise my dose.

But.  The last two days have been pretty good.  I think.  Maybe.  Too good?  Maybe.

A few nights ago, I stayed up until 4 am reading Tina Fey's book, Bossypants, after staying up until 2 am watching Voltron.  It was hilarious.  So was Bossypants.



Unfortunately I didn't fall asleep until 5 am, and I had to be up at 10 am ... but I didn't fall asleep until 4 or 5, and was awake at 11.  Yesterday I stayed up reading until 4.  And was up at 10.  I'm usually someone who can't function on less than 8 hours of sleep, and who does best with at least 9.

I'm feeling the lack of sleep in one sense; my concentration has been pretty shot.  In all other respects, I'm feeling good enough to be concerned.  I haven't felt tired.  I haven't felt depressed.  My mood has vacillated between anxious (how will I finish everything before my trip next week?) and energetic (look at me finishing everything and more!).

So I'm bouncing around in my own head a bit.  Is it lack of sleep?  Is it the sunny, gorgeous weather we've had?  Am I headed for another serious crash?  Or is it just so long since I've been in a good mood (albeit a good mood overlaid by travel stress) that I can't remember what one feels like?

What worries me is that I was feeling about this same way a year ago.  There had been a stretch of glorious October weather.  I'd bought up a bunch of bruised tomatoes at the farmers' market and was happily processing them into sauce.  There was impending travel to visit family, and I was in a rush to process all the tomatoes before I left, so I was staying up late to finish that.  I felt energetic and good.  Maybe too good.

Next thing I knew, daylight savings time hit.  Suddenly the black helicopters were after me.

A few days ago, I had only the most tenuous hold on a positive mood.  The slightest thing could depress me for the rest of the day.  And that's not even mentioning the major stressors in my life, like my grandmother, or my relationship woes, or obsessing about my sanity.  Yesterday, out of the blue, I found that I could think about things without breaking down.

Under "normal" circumstances, back when I had them, I would have viewed this as a positive development.  It would be evidence that I was working through my shit.  Feeling happier used to be a good thing.  Now I have to wonder if it's a red flag.